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Just 'Cause

by Elizabeth Smart

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1.
you’re sitting in a barn as you await the big surprise you want to find the monster that burned out that woman’s eyes you’ve got your holy water and some salt rounds and a knife but nothing seems to work on whatever brought you back to life you ask “what are you” to learn his name and figure out his mission he says, “I’m the one that gripped you tight and raised you from perdition” his name is castiel he pulled you out of hell in time he will rebel he’s an angel of the lord he’s got a dirty trench coat and a tie that’s never straight you wonder why you kinda like this guy that you’re supposed to hate ‘cause he says he’s not a hammer, he’s got doubts and he’s got fears and you think he might be the best friend that you have had in years the angels say to torture, and you say you can’t go through this he says “i would give anything not to have you do this” his name is castiel he pulled you out of hell by now you know him well he’s an angel of the lord you try to give him your best speech but heaven’s got him on a leash you turn your back and say you’re done but then he goes and does you right he’ll help you save the world tonight because he knows that you’re the one his name is castiel he pulled you out of hell and you are why he fell he’s an angel of the lord
2.
We gotta talk, Dean; don’t walk away. You’ve only a few months left, and there are things I gotta say. I know you’re scared, Dean, and that’s okay. But pretending that you’re fine won’t keep the hell hounds at bay. So you gotta drop the act, just drop this show. You gotta teach me every little thing you know. Cause I gotta fight this war alone once you go. And I need for you to do this, cause deep down you know. It’s ‘cause we’re brothers. You’re Dean, I’m Sam. It’s ‘cause I rely on you these days to show me who I am. It’s ‘cause I’ve got your back, and you’ve got mine. It’s ‘cause I know you’re lying when you tell me that you’re fine. ‘Cause you’re there for me the way Dad never was. So if you wanna know why, It’s ‘cause, just ‘cause. We’re not just vessels for them to use. Whatever we’ve got between us is what they want to abuse. But we are stronger, yes we can choose. And I need you here with me because it’s you I can’t lose. So let’s prove to them we’re stronger than we’ve shown. Cause I’d rather be together than alone. I believe in you now that we’re all grown. Cause at the end of the day, I think I’ve always know. It’s ‘cause we’re brothers. You’re Sam, I’m Dean. It’s ‘cause when I call you a bitch you know just what I mean. It’s ‘cause we’re family, deeper than bone. It’s ‘cause wherever you are is where I’m most at home. ‘Cause you look up to me the way no one else does. So if you ask me why, It’s ‘cause, just ‘cause. So you just dropped in out of the sky. I don’t care if you were desperate, that’s no reason to lie. You’re a frickin’ child, Cas. Do you know why? I was always there to help you all you had to do was try. So you gotta put an end to all this demon play. ‘Cause we can fix it, man, we’ll find a way. And I know I should have told you every day. And it might be too late, but still I have to say. It’s ‘cause we’re brothers. I’m Dean, you’re Cas. It’s my responsibility to kick you in the ass. It’s ‘cause you always come when I call. It’s ‘cause I’d catch you if you’re ever to fall. So whatever this deal with Crowley was, I’m asking you to stop now, ‘Cause, just ‘cause. It’s ‘cause we’re brothers, until the end. No matter what’s up ahead, know you were always my friend. It’s ‘cause you always come back to me. I may not believe much in God, but I believe in family. And you might say it doesn’t matter, but it does. ‘Cause when I wanna say I love you, I say ‘cause, just ‘cause.
3.
well, hey, way to go dean, you guessed it your worst nightmare is me ‘cause I know how you look into the mirror and hate everything you see do you have original thoughts, dean? or do you just want to be like your dad? ‘cause you can wear his clothes and you can listen to his music but you’ll never have his love like sammy had so what are you gonna do, dean? you gonna cry about it? I guess you’ll go to hell for your mistakes and now you know how demons are made there and it won’t take long for you to break I know my brother’s fighting somewhere out there and it is so hard to admit that I’m scared it’s been so easy to pretend I don’t care but what do you do when you’re your own worst nightmare? can’t raise your fingers and snap me away dean you’re stuck in here, you’ll find and you’re too stupid to get a way out now, ‘cause you’re trapped in your own mind you’ll always be daddy’s blunt little instrument a shield and nothing more it’s a good thing you sold your soul to save your little brother ‘cause without sam, what the hell are you good for? so what are you gonna do, dean? you gonna cry about it? you know that every word I say is true you don’t care if you live or if you die, now your own father didn’t care, so why should you? I know my brother’s fighting somewhere out there and it is so hard to admit that I’m scared it’s been so easy to pretend I don’t care but what do you do when you’re your own worst nightmare? my father was an obsessed bastard I didn’t deserve what he put on me all that crap about protecting sam when he’s the one who couldn’t save his family I don’t deserve to die, I don’t deserve hell you say I don’t matter but I do because my dad’s the one who was never there for sam and I, I always was and I know my brother’s fighting somewhere out there and it is so hard to admit that I’m scared it’s been so easy to pretend I don’t care but what do you do when you’re your own worst nightmare?
4.
I may be older but you know that I look up to you ‘cause you got out, you got away, did what I couldn’t do so now you’ve got this brand new life, no end to what you’ll be I’m just the freak come ‘round again no wonder you left me ‘Cause everybody leaves that’s just the way, that’s just the way the wind blows Everybody leaves that’s just the way, that’s just the way my life goes I’ll crack a joke and fake a smile and roll up my sleeves this life’s just a little bit harder when everybody leaves I’ve got a secret I must keep, he’d hate me if he knew our friends are dead, we’re on the run, don’t know what else to do get in the car and drive away, we ain’t got time to grieve ‘cause Sam is feeling good so there’s no telling when he’ll leave ‘Cause everybody leaves that’s just the way, that’s just the way the wind blows Everybody leaves that’s just the way, that’s just the way my life goes Sometimes it feels like me and Death are as thick as thieves sometimes he takes the best himself but everybody leaves Sometimes at night when I can’t sleep I see my mother’s face my father died to save my life, should have gone in his place then it was Ellen, Ash, and Jo, poor Adam’s still in Hell Pam, Andy, Lisa, Ben, Rufus Turner, Castiel ‘Cause everybody leaves that’s just the way, that’s just the way the wind blows Everybody leaves that’s just the way, that’s just the way my life goes you can say I’m wrong, it ain’t my fault, for all the good it achieves I let down everyone I love, so everybody leaves ‘Cause everybody leaves that’s just the way, that’s just the way the wind blows Everybody leaves that’s just the way, that’s just the way my life goes so I’ll take a drink and grab my gun and roll down my sleeves it’s autumn now, the air is cold and everybody leaves
5.
Mistakes 03:03
please keep your opinions to yourself put your hero complex on the shelf one look from you and I will surely break there’s only so judgment I can take and it’s too late to go back now I’ve lost my faith and how else can we win this war? after all, isn’t free will what we’re fighting for? you’re the one who raised me, helped me learn but I crossed a bridge and now it starts to burn I didn’t ask permission, I should have tried I fell to better offers and to pride and it’s too late to go back now I’ve lost my family, how else can I win this war? after all, isn’t free will what we’re fighting for? these words are empty vessels, that I know but you hurt me more than I could ever show you think that I’m a monster, and that’s true I did it for the world, did it for you and it’s too late to go back now I’ve lost you and how else can we win this war? after all, isn’t free will what we’re fighting for?
6.
I'm Okay 04:45
I’ve got a wall broken down in my head I’ve got Lucifer spooning me in my bed and for a living I kill things that are already dead but that’s my life, that’s my life and I went down this road despite the warning signs the road so far paved with fire and salt lines and I tried my very best to stop the end of times but that’s my life, that’s my life but I’m okay as long as I’ve got family I’m okay as long as I don’t remember what I had I’m okay if I don’t think about what I’ve lost like Mom and Jess and Dad but I’m okay, I’m fine, I swear I’m okay I’m okay, I’m all right, I mean, I’m really okay I know I’ve seen some things that’d make a sinner pray but it’s fine, it’s my life, it’s my life I’m okay. And I was raised on the trigger of a gun taught to do my job, cut my ties, and run but I know I could have been a more grateful son but it’s my life, it’s my life and I lost so much during that bloody war even now I can’t stand the fighting anymore but other people’ve got it worse so what am I crying for? it’s my life, it’s my life but I’m okay as long as Dean is smiling I’m okay as long as Dean knows where to go I’m okay if I forget that it’s my fault that we lost Pam and Ellen and Jo but I’m okay, I’m fine, I swear I’m okay I’m okay, I’m all right, I mean, I’m really okay I know these aren’t the sort of things you can just wish away but it’s fine, it’s my life, it’s my life I’m okay. I know my gourd is cracked but I feel the same the world is ending, I’m the one to blame and I can’t tell what’s real and what’s the devil’s game but it’s my life, it’s my life and I know there’s people who are worried for me but the most important thing is having family and I’ve still got Dean and Cas and Bobby… well I’ve still got Dean and Bobby… well I’ve still got Dean and I’ll always have Dean but I’m okay, I’m fine, I swear I’m okay I’m okay, I’m all right, I mean, I’m really okay I know today might seem like a really bad day but it’s fine, it’s my life, it’s my life I’m okay.
7.
when I first met you oh a star was in your eye darker than a highway road and lonesome like the sky I couldn’t read your face but I swore that you had doubt you burrowed deep in me I couldn’t keep you out and now it rains all day and turns my thoughts to rust without you here with me I don’t know who to trust and I wasn’t going to beg you, but I must don’t be dead, please, don’t be dead you travel with me, you’re the bag I can’t unpack it’s full of words I know I said and can’t take back and I don’t believe it even standing by your grave cause you were wrong, you’re not a fake, you can be saved so I lie away at night and wonder where you are floating in the ocean deep or sitting on a star cause your coat is in the backseat of my car don’t be dead, please, don’t be dead I couldn’t stop your fall, couldn’t keep you from the lake, I still regret every last chance I didn’t take I know I said some things,I swore I was still mad but you remain the greatest friend I’ve ever had and I’m so lost without you it’s such a sight to see they say I’m imbalanced, they say I’m wobbly so please, just one more miracle for me don’t be dead please don’t be dead don’t be dead please don’t be dead
8.
Family 05:14
9.
I thought that I was teaching you but all this time you were teaching me once I was a lone wolf but you have changed what I used to be you might have been an intern but you’re full time in my heart and nothing’s been the same since the day we broke apart and I’ll never forgive myself for not keeping you close it’s my fault that you’re gone, that I had to face your ghost so I hope and pray that you still love me that one day we’ll be together and drink french vanilla coffee and I’d rip up every floorboard to find you ‘cause I love you, I honestly do and I still remember every sight and sound you never said a bad word against anyone, you never backed down and I owe you such an apology you meant a lot to the team but you meant so much more to me and I am still so angry that I never realized when I met you at that outlet mall, I should have seen it in your eyes so I hope and pray that you still love me that one day we’ll be together and drink french vanilla coffee and lines of salt can’t keep me away from you ‘cause I love you, I honestly do and I have learned war changes man re-examined what I thought ‘cause you stayed in the kitchen when the kitchen got too hot and if there is just one lesson from this I have to say it’s that our love can pierce through the veil of death and save the day so I hope and pray that you still love me that one day we’ll be together and drink french vanilla coffee and Alan Corbett this song is for you ‘cause I love you, I do I love you, I do I love you, I honestly do
10.
This year’s been tough, it’s good to see your face again the water’s been rough and blackened by Leviathan if you remember, you know you did the best you could it’s not too late to fix the things that you still should and if you need reminding who you are I’ve got your coat, it’s right here in my car dumb to keep, I know but I couldn’t let you go I never stopped wanting to fix it, now you know ‘cause I’d rather have you, by my side I’d rather have you along for the ride ‘cause we’re almost out of outs now, and you are all we’ve got so I’d rather have you, cursed or not it’s time to end this war, send the monsters back to bed I need a fighter, but got a lover here instead life ain’t a game, you can’t just play you’re sorry you don’t have to fight, but will you please just stand by me doesn’t matter what you lost, what you still lack part of me always believed that you’d come back if you’re cursed, well I am too, it doesn’t matter if it’s true I mean, come on, do I look like good luck to you? and I’d rather have you, by my side I’d rather have you along for the ride ‘cause it’s the bottom of the ninth now, and you are all I’ve got so I’d rather have you, cursed or not you may be lost inside your mind and I can’t leave the past behind but that don’t mean I can’t forgive ‘cause you are still my best friend we’ll fix the cracks that we can mend and give us all a chance to live ‘cause I’d rather have you, by my side I’d rather have you along for the ride ‘cause the game is almost over and you’re the only chance we’ve got so I’d rather have you, cursed or not
11.
Come To Bed 04:26
I see in your smile that your teeth they are cracking I hear in your laugh all the weight that it’s lacking feel in the crease of your shoulder the winter grows older and I I taste in your breath that is bitter as blood smell the dirt of your soul that’s been dragged through the mud you are dark and you’re moody but I see your beauty and I I will take you to my bed darling, rest your weary head bury deep beneath the covers ever lovely, ever lover you will always have these words that I have said come to bed my love come to bed I smooth back your hair and the lines of your face press my hands on scars I cannot erase melt the ice from your fingers the pain that still lingers and I with clean and warm water I will wash your feet I will tell you I love you on broken repeat I’ll remind you to smile we won’t talk for a while and I I will take you to my bed close your eyes and breathe instead bury deep beneath the sadness ever anger, ever gladness you will always have my body and my bread come to bed my love come to bed I see in your eyes that are solid as stone I know that you think you are better alone but the winter grows colder we’re both getting older and I I’ll be your story, a fish and a star, light the pathway for when you forget who you are let my love remind you I’m here safe beside you and I I will take you to my bed baby, rest your wayward head stay here with me til whenever stay together, yours forever it is here beneath the blanket we are wed and you’ll always have these words that I have said come to bed my love come to bed
12.
Go to sleep now baby boy and have the most amazing dreams don’t be afraid of the darkness the darkness isn’t what it seems and you will sing yourself awake and you and I will start the day you’ll tell me stories as we walk about the man you want to be someday so baby listen to your mother keep your nose clean and take good care of your brother and if you need me, just know that this is true angels are watching over you baby boy I know you’re tired just lay your head down here to rest of all of the loves I ever had you and your brother were my best and I look down on you now so sweet and funny, loud and brave I know that you will never stop because there’s always lives to save so baby listen to your mother keep your gun clean and take good care of your brother and if you feel the world is ending no matter what you do, just know angels are watching over you oh baby boy you’re finally home I dreamt for so long of this day to finally hold you in my arms and know that you are here to stay and now we’re all here safe and sound just the way the world should be and every friend who kept you safe now we are all a family so baby listen to your mother come stand beside me, with your father and your brother and bring that angel, with the coat and the eyes of blue I want to thank him he’s the angel who watched over you
13.
Bluebird 05:01
I drink too much when the rain falls down hard to say no to that whiskey drown and when I sleep I just hear your voice why did you choose me when you had no choice and I will love you bluebird in the dusk when the sun goes down and I will love you bluebird in the morning when the stars all drown and I will love you bluebird every hour of every day I will love you bluebird til we all fade away and I feel cold in my warmest clothing hard to say no to good old self-loathing and when I dream it is just your hands why did you let go? why can’t I understand you? and I will love you bluebird in the dusk when the sun goes down I will love you bluebird in the morning when the stars all drown and I will love you bluebird every hour of every day I will love you bluebird til we all fade away it all went wrong just when I got it right it’s hard to let go, I still pray every night wonder if you’re hurt, wonder if they bleed you I wasn’t lying when I told you I need you and I will love you bluebird in the dusk when the sun goes down I will love you bluebird every morning when the stars all drown and I will love you bluebird every second minute hour day week month year I still love you bluebird why are you not here bluebird bluebird singing in the tree spread your wings, come home to me bluebird
14.
My Friend 05:40
tell me what do you remember tell me the story that you know did you tell yourself that I was weak did you think that I let go? that place became my penance I chose to stay behind I couldn’t figure out how to tell you I thought that this would be more kind ‘cause I have seen inside you since the day that we first met I know how you hold on so tight to things you should forget and you lay down defenses easy as a line of salt but you can’t blame yourself for this— this was not your fault ‘cause you can’t save everyone, listen to me you can’t save everyone, it’s true you see you can’t save everyone, it’s not your responsibility I know your tendency to protect and pretend but you can’t save everyone my friend I don’t know what you want to hear, Dean I don’t know what you’d have me do I may have caused some suffering on Earth but I destroyed the home I knew this isn’t something you can fix, Dean there is no monster here to kill only the remnants of what I have done only my fault, only my will I don’t know what you are afraid of, or why you feel you have to know will you listen if I beg you, do you hear me saying no? and if you want the answers, you’ll have to ask somebody else if I go back to Heaven now, I’m afraid I’ll kill myself ‘cause you can’t save everyone, listen to me you can’t save everyone, it’s true you see you can’t save everyone, it’s not your responsibility I know this isn’t what you would intend but you can’t save everyone my friend ‘cause you can’t save everyone, listen to me you can’t save everyone, it’s true you see you can’t save everyone, it’s not your responsibility I will try to stand beside you til the enda but you can’t save everyone my friend
15.
Forget Me 05:32
I’m sorry if you’re waiting in that motel room all alone I’m sorry you have to go back to the place that was supposed to be our home this doesn’t make any sense i know but you have to understand the men you fell in love with a year ago amelia, i am a completely different man forget me, forget me, it’s the end of the line forget me, forget me, forget you were mine i can’t keep pretending it’s not meant to be so please please forget me forget what i told you, forget what it means cause i’ve gotta choose family, gotta be there for dean so take me out with the trash and wipe your memory clean it’ll be easy, you’ll see to forget me i’m sorry I can’t make it not tomorrow not today brother i wish that i could help you but if i’m gonna make it work i’ve got to stay away i wouldn’t be up here without you; you know you always have my trust don’t make me hear from someone else about you, sorry this is the end of us forget me, forget me, it’s the end of the line forget me, forget me, i’m sure you’ll be fine i can’t split my life, can’t be caught in between so please please forget me i’m sorry it seems like i don’t give a damn but i’ve got to choose hunting gotta be there for sam so forget that you knew me, forget who i am it’ll be easy you’ll see to forget me forget me, forget me forget what we’ve been through forget all the choices that brought me to you I can’t make this better, I can’t be redeemed so please please forget me i can’t run away now doesn’t help to pretend but i can’t last much longer, i’m too close to the end and it isn’t your fault you can’t save me my friend but it’ll be easy you’ll see to forget me

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released February 7, 2013

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Elizabeth Smart Chicago, Illinois

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